What a Pisser!

Montanita, Ecuador

February 1, 2007
S 01.49.546
W 080.45.252

We woke up fairly early today, 8:45a, knowing it was a travel day. Travel days are always hard since things are out of our control. Our plan was to make it from Quito to Montanita, a little beach town approximately 200 km from Guayquil. To make this trip possible in a day, we opted for the 45 minute flight from Quito to Guayquil (instead of the eight hour bus ride), and planned to take buses the rest of the way to Monteñita. This is really the only way to get there with the exception of hiring a private taxi.

I was the first to wake up when the alarm went off at 8:45a, I slowly made my way to the shower, having slept very little. I was convinced the anti-malaria drugs we are taking were messing with my mind, and, therefore, my sleep. Each night before we went to bed we took one of the little pink pills in preparation for our trip to the beach. After my shower, I decided I wouldn’t take the pink pill at night anymore, but instead I would take the pill in the morning. So, after my shower, and before breakfast, I popped my daily anti-malaria pill and started packing my bag in preparation for the day. Ten minutes into packing, Marc now in the shower, I started sweating profusely. I sat down on the bed for a few minutes and finished my book, “Running with Scissors.” I sipped on some Gatorade, fruit punch flavor, hoping the sugar would make me feel better. No such luck, I ran into the bathroom and refunded all of the Gatorade I just drank.

Marc stepped out of the shower at about this time. He too took a little pink pill at my suggestion. I convinced him to eat a Clif Bar before he got sick too. I should mention he made the same suggestion to me, which I promptly ignored thinking Gatorade was my best option, thinking of the breakfast we would have at our little B&B.

We made it through breakfast, no puking from Marc, and headed to the airport. I was feeling much better, since the pink pill was probably completely exhumed at this point. We boarded our flight promptly at 1p and made it to the other end with luggage in hand by 2p.

Our day, and the fun, was just beginning when we landed in Guayquil. We left the airport terminal, got in a cab to the bus terminal 1.2 km away to catch a bus to Monteñita, snaked our way through the terminal to the ticket booth, and got to our bus with about 10 minutes to spare. We were very lucky to catch the next bus, or we would need to wait two more hours in the heat. The temperature when we landed in Guayquil was 28C, or close to 88F, and the humidity was upwards of 80%. We were drenched by the time we got on the bus, and I suggested to Marc we grab a few waters before our departure—thank goodness we did.

Bus rides in other countries are always an experience, similar to the Stockton 30, but different. Our bus had a drape between the driver and the rest of the bus. This was a good thing because it prevented me from seeing the seemingly suicidal movements the driver was making. The passengers had another distraction, a movie. The movie for the trip was called DOA, Dead or Alive. I had never heard of it before this trip. Marc only knew about it because Jamie Presley was featured in Playboy, and they had a great article on the movie. Marc summed up the article for me—the chicks in the movie are hot, but the movie itself sucks. I have to agree with Playboy on this one. Thank goodness they have those great articles.

The bus made a few stops along the road between Guayquil and Salinas, our transfer point to Monteñita, but the purpose of the stops was to let food vendors on board. They sold anything from ice cream to chicken and meat kabobs to deep fried surprises. The aroma from the food was wonderful, a lot better than the stinky, sweaty passengers, but we opted out due to that damn pink pill we took early in the morning. We still had at least 2 hours on the bus and we didn’t want to risk anything.

We finally got to the transfer point to Monteñitas. The only indication was the porter, or ticket taker, yelling at us in Spanish. Luckily, we figured it out, and got off the bus with four young ladies with the same destination. We waited at a corner, in some village in the middle of the dessert, after purchasing another ticket for the remainder of the way, and waited for a bus to show up.

The bus finally arrived 40 mins later, completely packed, and we picked two seats in the last row of the bus, the only two seats together. However, when we boarded, instead of there being food vendors, there was a traveling drama team already in mid-performance. We were probably on the bus for two minutes when a man in front of us started yelling and chastising the act. One of the “actors” told the guy to listen, but at the time we didn’t know he was part of the crew. In the end, the drama team passed out candy bars to the bus, and then came back and collected the $.50 from each person. We opted out of the charade by feigning to not understand what was going on... which was true.

After the performance was over, the entire crew departed the bus and I moved over one seat to give Marc a little more room. The windows on the back of the bus didn’t open and it is hotter than Hades. I had the day pack between my legs, resting on the floor, and Marc was balancing our packs on his knees.

It is at this point I felt a drop of liquid on my foot. Immediately suspicious, I looked at the guy in front of me through the reflection in the window. Remember, he was the same one having a fit over the drama performance. I see something spouting up between his legs, I shit you not! I immediately pull up the day pack and turn to Marc and say, “I think he's pissing.” Marc peeks over the seat and confirms my suspicion. I pull my legs completely up, Marc takes the day pack in his lap, and I tell the guy sitting next to Marc. The guy instantly goes to the front of the bus to report the findings to the porter. The porter comes to the back of the bus and confronts the pisser. The pisser tries to blame the incident on the delay due to the drama team and, specifically, the guy who told him to be quiet and listen; at least we think this is what happened. I could only understand every few words, making the complete translation difficult. The porter wasn't making much progress with the pisser and headed back to the front of the bus for reinforcement.

It was at this time the guy sitting (and sleeping) next to the pisser realized what happened, he repositioned himself on the armrest, bought some popcorn from a food vendor on board and got caught up on the entertainment.

The bus continues for a few more stops before the porter and his reinforcement come back to confront the pisser, who is now standing up in the aisle. I think he got tired of sitting in his own urine. Then another guy joins the reinforcements and they all have a discussion with the pisser, to no avail.

Then, the two larger guys get behind the pisser and begin pushing him to a waiting police officer at the front of the bus. After the pisser was escorted from the bus the porter came back with a spray bottle of 'something' and few paper towels and did a half-assed clean up of the mess.

The pisser was gone and we were back on our way. This whole incident with the pisser took about 20 mins and during that time the bus was stopped and it kept getting hotter and hotter. The air circulation in the back of the bus was poor, and Marc still had the day pack on his lap to avoid the piss on the floor of the bus. Our water was long gone and, in retrospect, we probably should have bought a few more, but we thought we were almost there.

Marc started getting very anxious like when he has motion sickness. The back of the bus is not the best place to be since you feel every single bump in the road. Marc placed the day pack in the aisle within in reach, and stood up to get a little air. It was a little too late. Marc sat back down and asked me for his emergency bag. We were 5K away from our destination at this point. Marc spent the last 5K dry heaving into a gallon Ziploc bag thankful he didn’t eat any of the deep fried surprises along the way.

When we arrived, Marc took his zipped up Ziploc with him; we got our bags, and made our way into the town of Monteñita. The entry into Monteñita will get its own story later. We found a cute little place to stay, right on the beach, put our stuff away just in time to see the sun starting to set out our window.

We dropped everything and ran closer to the water, about 100m. The beautiful reddish, orange globe was right in front of us prepared to dive into the water for the night. It was the most spectacular sunset either one of us have ever seen.

I guess the sunset made the rest of the miserable day worth it.